I am…

Going through old drafts, I found this list from a year ago and I thought you might enjoy it.

1. A Woman. Feminine, sexual, sensitive, determined, funny, professional, silly, emotional, stern, attractive, flawed, alive, afraid.
2. Emotional. I feel everything very deeply.  I feel all of my emotions to my inner core.
3. A Believer. I believe that there is good in the world and that one good deed can lead to another. I believe that one good or bad deed can lead to nothing more. I believe that paying it forward will change the world, one person at a time.
4. A Friend. I am loyal, caring, stern, devoted, honest, sincere.
5. A Realist. I recognize and accept the outcomes of my decisions or lack thereof.
6. A Grandmother. This is a title that I have chosen, not one that has been thrust upon me. Choosing to be a grandmother to two amazing girls means that I have accepted an incredible amount of responsibility. Not only to spoil them and give them what they want but to set the foundation for their future as a positive role model they want to follow when they have the opportunity to live life according to their own rules.
7. Grateful. I would not be here today were it not for some amazing people who showed me kindness that could not be shown to me by family. People who gave of themselves for no reason other than they thought I was worth the effort. Every day, I want to do something, even if it is just a thought, to make sure that I leave a mark on the world that would make each of these people proud. Fortunately, with social media, I have been able to tell most of them thank you. In some cases, I did not know enough about the person to find them and say thanks. In most cases, I was to young/immature to realize what these people were giving me or to oblivious to even realize their investment. I would give anything to tell my “grandmom” how much she impacted my life. How much of a difference she made in my life by simply believing in me and saying the words, “Carol, you can do it”. The gratitude that I feel has made me say thank you to those that matter to me. I am grateful that I know there is no regret as unrelenting as that which cannot be undone. Once someone is not in my life, it is not possible to regain the moment and say thanks. Gratitude is a time to live in the moment, recognize the gifts, and graciously acknowledge each and every one.
8. Here. I just read a question that asked, “Will “I” disappear when I die? I do not believe that I will. I have not always felt this way but i believe that I am laying the foundation for Carolyn to live on in people that I have helped and shared my feelings with because they will be a little more compassionate and understanding and giving to others. They will smile a little bigger and care a little deeper about others because they will think of me and want to pay it forward. I have made a difference in the world.
9. Beautiful. A woman said this to me today and she also said she told another person “look at how beautiful she is”. This exchange was so emotional for me that five hours later I almost cried. Have I known all of my life that I am pretty and for some reason chose to hide it?  Another one of those mysteries from childhood.
10. Stunning. I have been called stunning 2, possibly 3 times in my life. A friend (male) said that I was stunning after I told him that someone called me stunning that morning. I do not think that anyone understands how shocking hearing these things are for me.
11. Carolyn. That is all that I want to be. To say this is not bad or putting myself down. I simply feel that being giving, living a good life, loving with all that I am, and striving to do better everyday, are enough. I am fine being “pretty enough”. Even then, I do not care about being pretty as much as I care about being enough. I just want to be “enough” for myself and those who are in my life.
12. In love. I am in love with life and all of the simplicity that accompanies living. I am in love with me. All that is imperfect when I compare myself to others becomes so very perfect when I compete myself to no one other than me. I look in the mirror and see what is beautiful and flawless and simply amazing. I touch my leg and I feel the stubble and I do not cringe or think about shaving. I feel the softness of the hairs and love that I can touch myself in this way and feel no shame or have thoughts about how my leg should be. I love it just the way it is. I look at my hands and embrace them. The long fingers, the soft skin, even the symmetry of the bones. I love me!
13. Unapologetic. I find it sad that we cannot have these conversations with others because they will typically not be able to engage in the conversation because they either feel you are too self centered or they feel you are judging them. or they do not have what ever it is that makes one embrace self love.

We are often quick to tell another that we love them and how we would do anything for them. Why can we not say and feel this about ourselves? We can give love and that completes us while at the same time, we feel sad and trapped because we cannot love ourselves. I often think of how many relationships would not exist today if we had to love ourselves before we could love another person. Just simply understanding that loving ourselves is the foundation for it all is the beginning. If one loves self first, many bad choices would be avoided.